Chapter 4: Everybody join the Fire Parade.




"Well, now... looks like I'm going to be indoors for a change. Maybe that means I'm getting close to the end."
"One moment, Sir. Do you have your papers?"
"I'm afraid not, my good man. I kind of shoved them up the ass of that last boss I fought. Which means I don't have anything to wipe your ass all over this floor with."
"That simply will not do."
"You are so right."



*urk* "But.. but you said you had no papers."
"I know. And it wasn't."
"You... *cough* ...you evil person."
"Oh, shut up! Just be glad I decided against... 'hooking you up', so to speak."



"Hmm. What's this? Loose ladder steps? Well, you know what they say."
"I... I... *wheeze* ...might've, if you hadn't beat me down."
"It's always better to be one step ahead of your enemies."
"But... *cough* ...that doesn't even make any sense."
"Oh, never you mind that. I'm the one who's going to carry around this thing after all."



"Anyway, we got two paths heading off in each direction. Yeah, I bet this won't turn really stupid and illogical or anything."



"Double double, Toil and trouble. Make my buttcheeks free of stubble...."
"Aaack! Why did that... have to be the last... thing I... ever... hea-" *ded*
"Because I'm evil, that's why."



"Well, I guess he didn't catch that last one. Which means it's time for me to continue exploring this place."



"Aaaack! I go down here and I die from the air. That does not make any sense..." *ded*



"Let's not do THAT again."
"Do what? Beat me up for no reason?"
"Naw, I'm fine with that. I meant go down into poison-filled rooms."
"Please do. More often, even."
"That's enough outta you. Don't force me to give you a noogie."



"You know, I've always been in tune with 'the floor is lava' principle, but I never thought I'd actually be faced with having to take a literal approach to this problem. Gotta be a first for everything, I guess."



"OK, that went pretty smoothly. I wonder if anyone has ever tried jumping on those black... bars.. things. That's gotta be an excercise in frustration."



"Well, they've closed off the stairs. Imagine... teasing me with such unattainable destinations. They should be ashamed. I guess it's this doorway, then."



"ACK! ACK! RETURN! RETURN! POISONOUS FUMES ARE NOT GOOD FOR THE LUNGS! MORE ABOUT THIS LATER!"



"OK, I guess it pays to be one step ahead of..."
"You already did that joke."
"No, I didn't! And how would you know anyway?"
"Word travels fast in these parts."



"What's more, if they were going to make navigating this place such a challenge, why did they give me that step-thing at the very beginning there? Are you just antsy for any excuse to make me hold things in my hands?"
"....."
"And speaking of which; wouldn't I use that thing to climb up here? How the hell does holding that thing in my hands help me climb? Also, they're made for feet, you know."
"I KNOW, I KNOW! KINDLY SHUT UP ABOUT THIS ALREADY! I'M TRYING TO BE UNCONSCIOUS HERE. JEEZ!"



"Sir, who are you and what the hell are you doing?"
"Sir, who are you and what the hell are you doing?"
"Yes, that's what I said."
"Yes, that's what I said."
"Stop that!"
"Stop that!"
"Don't make me come down there."
"Don't make me come down there."
"Wearing a hat makes me look dorky."
"Wearing a hat makes me l-.. no, it doesn't!"
"HAH!"



"It's a brick of metal. Yeah, that's not going to make my ninja-ing around really inconvenient or anything. Let me just shove this thing down into my pants...."



"...and you do the hokey-pokey, and shake it all about."
"Oooh, yeah. Shake that hot stuff, baby. Man, these employee halftime break shows are awesome, man."
"Thank you, everyone. You've been great. Join me next week for another round of the hokey pokey."



"Yeesh, that was embarrassing. Well, at least it saved me from having to go down there and take care of him. Keep the fights to a minimum, I always say."
"I wonder what the hell THAT was about."



"Yeah, I KNOW you've read 'the big book of ninja mimicry', but this wasn't quite what they had in mind."
"NIGHT FEVER, NIGHT FEVEEEEER...."
"OKLEAVINGNOW!"



*urk* "I.. thought you said you were going to leave."
"Yeah, sorry, but I wasn't going to go back, and I had to stop you from singing and dancing somehow."
"You could have asked."
"A ninja never asks. He knows."



"Come to think of it, I never walked down that middle path, did I? I guess I kind of assumed it was off-limits, what with the floor tiles being ALL DARK and stuff."


"OH GOD THIS AGAIN WHYYYYYY?!"



"OK, seriously... do all roads lead to Rome? And by 'Rome', do we mean just a random hellhole with poison and lava? Well, who knows, but I guess I must go back and ask Mr. Sideshow or something."



"Oh, so I can climb down here too with the help of Mr. Foothold. Why I couldn't just lower myself down is anybody's guess."



"That... that wasn't entertainment at all."
"Sure it was. For me, anyway."



"Ah, the room is so poisonous that it kills me in seconds, and THIS one is supposed to make it more survivable? Ah, that I should be such a man of little faith."



"Little faith notwithstanding, I guess I gotta try."
"Man, that stuff really DOES remove stubble. Imagine that. And now for the eyebleach."



"OK, then... time to try this and not die. Here goes."



"Aaargh! I had the mask, but forgot to put it on. Or, as Puma Man would say it; pyoot it oohn."



"OK, I'm currently USING the mask. They should make this thing a standard for our ninja suits. You know, in case we need to head into hot, poisonous hellholes."



"Imagine that! It worked. And for my persistance, I was rewarded with... a small handful of brown powder. Yes, it's important stuff. Obviously."



"And here we go with the backtracking again. It's just so much fun."
"Not for me. In fact, please stop coming around here."
"Hey, I would if I could, buddy. Pray that this is the last time."



"And now we're going to play a little game called 'hide the nunchucks'. It'll only hurt a little. At first."
"That's what they all say."
"Really? I sure didn't need to know that."



"Hmmm. Well, there's obviously something special about this fireplace. Anyone can see that."



"But first, it's important to remember that I haven't thoroughly checked out this area. With most of the places having exits in every direction, it's good to bring some reason to this madness."



"Which apparently includes finding an ingot. Now where did I put that Play-Doh...?"



"Ah, exit be thy name. And gee, it's surrounded by a metal fence with a gate. So I now have a metal ingot, a metal bar, some red-ish powder, a flamebellow and apparently very sticky fingers. That can only lead me one place: downstairs."



"Ah, THAT was what I was missing. The papers. Why they were hidden in a cauldron I don't know. I mean, there was a perfectly serviceable office corner further back there. I guess that place was already occupied by the flimsy mask."



"And so, through the magic of flamebellows and several components, I can finally craft my own key. My arts and crafts teacher would have been so proud, had I not snuck into his house and killed him back when I graduated."
"....."
"Hey, I'm a ninja. It's what ninja do."



"CROTCH CHECK!"
"OW! What the hell are you doing?"
"Oh, just checking your... stones."
"Well, they sure are good and crushed now."
"Then my work here is done."



*sigh* "Alright, I guess I can see what awaits me down these stairs. I wonder if I could try something new this time around."



"Hey, man. How about letting me pass without a fight this time around?"
"Sure thing. I'll just stash away my nunchucks so that we can do the official friends forever handshake, and you can be on your way."
"Wow, seriously?!"
"Of course I'm joking. No, I'm afraid we're going to have to fight it out to the death. I'm a boss, after all. It's what we do."
"Well, I guess that's it, then."
"Yup."
"No way back, huh?"
"Nope."
"Just... all the way to the finish?"
"To the end."
"Alright, then..."
"You ready now?"


Ready? In the face of another boss challenge, who could be? How far would Armakuni have to go to face another day, another stage and hopefully the chance to end this chaotic farce. Armakuni, endless wanderer without a clear direction in mind. Armakuni, the last ninja.

...well, at least until he finishes this and gets back home to his students.



"I swear... if I have to read this one more time. Just... just ONE more time...."


To be continued....
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