Chapter 3: Why can't we all just get beyond Watergate?




"Good Lord, I haven't taken a leak in ages, and now there's water goddamned everywhere. This is going to be a whole lot of fun."



"I know you have to... go, but that's no reason to take it out on me."
"Aren't you dead yet? A ninja needs his privacy, you know."
"Of all the reasons to....."



"OK, fine. I'll just go somewhere else, then."
"Next time, please do that first."



"Gah! These doors are closed, and there's someone here too. What's a poor ninja to do?"



"Hnnnng. Whirlpool. It looks like a toilet being flushed. Why are you doing this to me?"
"What the hell are you talking about?"



"Aaaaaargh! THIS IS A POTTY EMERGENCY!"
"It's... *cough* ...it's a good thing that I'm about to die, because I have no goddamn idea what's going on."



"OK, I think it's safe to say that not only is this a potty emergency, but I'm also completely lost. At least I could... relieve myself in that pot over there."
"Me first!"
"H-hey."



"Oh, great. Now he collapsed there too. What am I supposed to do now?"



"Well, at least there's no point in returning where I came from. I'm sure I'll get there faster if I just keep on going in the opposite direction. Because those are the laws of these lands."



"Then again, maybe not. Looks like I'm heading straight into Cogsville."



"Hmmm. Yes, this is good. Because when my bladder is about to explode, the first thing I'd want is a potion. Apparently, my suffering is entertaining SOMEone."
*urk* "Not me."
"Quiet, you!"



"Amazing as it sounds, I've still to reach an area I haven't already visited. This is awesome, though, so I think I'll continue heading up left. Yeah, I'm a leftist. So what?"
"Could have... *cough* ...fooled me."



"Wait! Nobody here? Sweet, then I can finally... hey, what's this? Small cogs?"



"Use them as shuriken? Sure, why not? I'm sure the kids won't be copying this or anything. No, siree."
"....."
"Well, it's not like I care. I finally got my little situation under control, so now I'm as right as rain."



"OK, so someone built a pier that isn't attached to anything? Really, do they think everyone is a ninja?"



"Hmmm. I CAN make this jump. I think I can I think I can I think I can...."
"YOU CAN'T!"
"Oh, stop raining on my parade, you philistine."



"Hyah! See? I totally could."
"Curses! You win this time, ninja. But the next time... the next time, VICTORY WILL BE ALL MINE! MOUHAHAHAHAHAaahh-" *cough*
"You should go and get that throat looked at."
"You mean after you put your fist through it? Absolutely."
*cough* "That... was an accident."
"Accident my foot."
"No, that was NOT an accident. I kicked you in the shin fully on purpose."



"What the... a plug? Why would I find that useful? Is there a bath I need to take? Or am I going to get the runs soon?"
"Dude, ew!"
"Oh, shush you! Don't make me come over there."



"Oh, well, I guess I gotta move on. And why are you so much more tanned than than the other guy?"
"I spend my free days at the beach. That other guy is a geek who spends all his free time on World of Warcraft."
"I... see."



"Anyway, I have to knee you in the balls now. I hope you won't mind."
"Wait, what, why?!"
"It's a ninja thing. I don't expect you to understand."



"OK, this place I recognize."
"...."
"Which is a first since I got here. That, or the potty emergency is just the thing to take my mind off... things."



"SURPRISE KNEE TO NUTS!"
"OW! What the... oh God, my future children."
"Eh, don't sweat it. I wouldn't pay for your genes anyway."
"They always say that mental abuse is worse than the physical kind. I never believed that... until now."
"So, what'cha gonna do? Cry? Gonna cry now, you big baby?"



"Oh, hey, there's the gate, I bet. I just wish I could enter, but I probably need the proper forms first. And most likely a way to stop that light drizzle that wouldn't do anything other than make me slighly damp. Yessir, the work of a ninja doesn't make any sense."



"Papers, papers. Hey, I remember this place too."
"And I have surely not forgotten the feeling of your soles to my face."
"Details, details. Besides, you are a lousy guard."



"Waaait a sec. The whirlpool. The buttplug. Now it all makes sense. If I just put it into this drainage here...."



"GAH! I'M ENLIGHTENED! AND WHITE!"
"....."
"Armakuni the White. I like the sound of that. And though the whirlpool hasn't stopped, I'm sure this did... something."



"Yep, it sure stopped that water from falling... from a higher point than the one I plugged up. Oh well..."



"But whatever. I need the papers, so I'm just going to have to run around until I find them. This'll take forever..."



"...and a second. Um... wow?! Well, I guess I got a meeting with fate. Or a dorky Samurai, whichever comes first."



"Hey, nice place you got here. A shame if something were to happen to you."
"What do you mean by... oh, never mind. Just come over here and get what's coming to you."



"Take that. And that. And that. Aaaaand that. And also: that. Not to mention... that! And did I forget: that? Also, as a bonus: that. And henceforth..."
"OK, OK, I get the point. Jeez."
"And not only that, but... what? Were you saying something?"
"No, but you and I both know how this is going to end."



"Yep. By me kicking the color right out of you. Now there's a memory for the ages."
"Nooooo! Now I look like you. Kinda. Sorta."
"Eh, there are worse fates."


Yes, worse fates indeed. Because fate marches on for our friend Armakuni and his sacred mission to defeat evil, wherever it may be. No matter how much deep... uh... manure... he'd get into, he would carry on. Because that is the way of the ninja.



"You know, for once I would have loved reading something like 'the Princess isn't in this castle' or something like that. Because even ninja like to be doing stuff for a chance to get laid in the end. The pinnacle of male character motivation, I've always said."


To be continued....
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