Chapter 1: The benefits of being down to Earth.




"ENEMIES AT THE GATE! ALL GUARDS REPORT TO YOUR DESIGNATED SQUARE AND DEFEND IT WITH YOUR LIFE! NO NEED TO DOGPILE HIM HERE WHERE HE STANDS!"
"Yeah, yeah, I know I'm doomed to run around like a completely un-ninja like goon and punch people to death. You don't have to rub it in."



"The worst part is that I'm starting this mission out pretty much empty-handed. What? Did I spend my last shuriken on Mr. Soccer Fan over at the wall?"
*sigh* "Well, at least I have one glove right now. That's... something, at least."



"Oh no, I'm being attacked by the goofy hat brigade. Did I raid a Mardi Gras party or something? I'm terribly sorry."
"HALT! NOBODY INVADES MY DESIGNATED SQUARE AND LIVES!"
"Yeah, yeah. All your base and all that."
"YOU HAVE NO CH-what?"
*sigh* "Never mind."



"In fact, allow my knee to let you know how sorry I am that I was placed in a situation where I have to repeat what I just did two times before by taking part in another bizarre run-and-kick operation. If I can't get a hold of any weapons, I'm going to scream."



"Shurikens? Well... it's something. Didn't I just say that about something else? Ninja zen... it's as deep as, uh... the Earth. Or something. Go away!"



"Well, since I have no idea where I am, I might as well just try to familiarize myself with the area. And the best way to do that is to just randomly pick a direction."



"Um... but... didn't I just walk around... is this... is this path just leading straight into a rock wall, then?"



"What the... where did that building suddenly appear from? It couldn't have... these two comically undersized huts. I just... AAAARGH!"



"Ooh, nails. Because everybody knows ninja are as tough as... uh, never mind. Carrying on now."



"But... but I just came up from... and there's the forest behind me now, and... and this... WHY?!"
"I know you're frustrated and all, but that's no reason to take it out on me."
"Shut up, you!"



"OK, seriously... what the hell is this crap?! Did this town steal potions from Flimbo's Quest? Does that mean my shurikens fly longer now? At least my gloves look more dangerous now, though this doesn't have anything to do with the potion, so... why did I bring that up? NEVER MIND ME!"



"Hah! I bet that was just unbearably painful. Reflect on that on your way to the afterlife."
"Urgh... nailed glove to... to blackboard. My... my ears... they're bleeding. I... tell my wife and... and kids that... that...." *ded*
"That you died horribly and embarrassingly? Sure thing, pal."



"And down he goes. Who'd want to defend a place like this? Maybe he was afraid someone would steal his flags."



"This sword, on the other hand.... now to continue up this path, and maybe I'll reach... I dunno, a mountain top or something?"
"....."
"And why the hell did they give a stone statue a SWORD? Wouldn't it make more sense to carve one out of stone instead?"



"THIS ISN'T A MOUNTAIN TOP?! And Christ, that's another road that doubles back in what would otherwise be a solid wall of rock. Good Lord, I know my earlier paths have doubled back on each other, but at least they had some sort of consistent logic to them. This place just warps around at its own discretion."
"And you thought I'd care because...?"
"I didn't. I just felt like ranting a while before killing you. That ought to make your journey to the afterlife more interesting."



"Urgh! P-point taken."
"Yeah, well... I only have a sword, so it's not like you had much choice in the matter. At least I found a chain here, so maybe I can whip up something else later on. I've already taken the MacGuyver course in making deadly weapons out of everyday household items, so..."



"I am literally afraid to walk down this path, because who knows where I'll end up. This place is like a reality-breaking mirror maze where you can actually enter said mirrors and end up somewhere else. My mental map is getting VERY confused."



"Son of a... SEE?! THIS IS WHY MEN DON'T LIKE TO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS!"



"OK, so I haven't tried this path yet, but I don't really think it matters anymore. Nothing does."



"It's... a giant rock hanging over an opening. And there's something in the wall there that I can't reach due to said opening. DURRH I WUNDER WHUT IM SAPPOSED TA DO!"



"OK, last path in this place. PLEASE let it make sense."



"OK, so the scenery is beautiful, but this place looks like the result of an idiot assembling a puzzle by smashing the pieces together with a hammer until they stick -- in total disregard for what the picture is supposed to look like in the end.



"Well, at least I got reaquainted with my old friend, Chuck. And Chuck, old buddy? We got lots of skulls to swing by, so let's get cracking."



"Well, I've been here before, so at least I'm somewhat aware of where to go in this confusing nightmare of a neighborhood."



"Let's see... if I go to the right here, and turn up by the statue, I'll end up where it all started. And that's a really depressing thought."



"Haven't you beat me up enough by now?"
"Hey, you are the people in charge of this bizarre M. C. Escher-ish nightmare of a town. Meaning this is all your fault, so YOU JUST SHUT UP!"



"Oh wow, a place I haven't been to before. And a totally open door that I can't enter because.... why?!"



"Well, whatever. I'll just run down here."



"Couldn't you at least let me talk before you beat me to the ground?"
"Quiet, you. Don't make me come over there again."
"Eep! Yessir."



"Well, we got kegs of gunpowder here. Personally, I would prefer if it was beer. That means this storage room might've had enough beer for me to make sense of this place. But, alas, it seems my only recourse is to blow something up. I'm fine with that."



"But first I have to get some use out of my nailed gloves other than scraping it against blackboards. And climbing seems to do the trick, because I must have replaced the tools I used back when I climbed the walls of a castle to do what a ninja really does, I guess. It's hard being a ninja on a budget. And without logic."



"GAH! WHAT THE... THAT ROCK! I JUST... oh, fine. If that's how it's going to be, I'll just blow the whole thing up. Yeah, that'll teach them and certainly not alert every single guard in the vincinity about my location and intent. Not that they'd do anything, what with being so hip on their square. Or something."



"OK, so where does the path that ran just below me end up? ANSWER ME, DAMMIT!"
"You again? What is your problem, man?"
"Oh, nothing. In fact, I'm about to steal your crystal ball, and there's nothing you can do to stop me. So neener neener to you."
"Uh... OK. Have fun now."



"'Have fun now' he says. Yeah, I'll have fun alright. I'll be funneling fun out of my fun...gers... OK, that joke didn't work."



"Did you honestly think you could take me unaware while I was climbing down?"
*urk* "Can't blame a guy for... *cough* ...trying, can ya?"
"Blame? No. Beat up? Sure can."
"I'll... *wheeze* ...make a mental note about that for later."



"Well, obviously I can't pick up this suspicious powder with my glove. Besides, I don't think I'll be meeting any panthers this time around, nor do I have a chicken leg to dip it in."



"Aaaand I've made myself a round cartoon bomb. Now for the thing that brings all the boys to the yard: lighting the fuse."



"But first I need to find something to blow up."



"Oh yeah, this'll do alright. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll create an avalance that levels this place. That way, I can bring in some construction workers that work by logic."



*sigh* "I'm on my third mission, and the only woman I've seen so far tried dropping unlimited pots on my head. Man, are my balls blue."
"...."
"Hee hee, just a little joke there. I've taken in some kunoichis for training too. After all, a main protagonist's gotta have his harem."



"Oh my, oh my. That stone landed right in that crack there. I wonder if I can find my way down there without breaking my brain."



"Well, I guess I have no choice but to go up here first."



"Sorry! 'scuse me. I'm in a hurry here."
"I understab. Er.. I mean... stand. That is, I've fallen."
"And I'm underSTAFFED. I have the sword and the nunchucks, but no staff yet."
"Boy, if your sword hadn't killed me, your puns would have."
"I'm a ninja of many talents."



"You know what? Screw it! I'm going straight up here. By logical standards, I should be moving AWAY from the rock, but knowing this place..."



"...yep! I KNEW it! Forsake thee all thy logic, and thou shall get where thy want to go. That's my take on this place."



"Well, I got my papers... seriously, PAPERS! Is this some kind of elite ninja club or something? Is the immigration police waiting for me inside of here?"



"Excuse me, Sir, but what the hell are you doing?"
"What do you mean 'what the hell am I doing?' I'm trying to beat you up, much like everyone else here. Is this concept hard to understand or something?"
"No, just... no. Forget I ever asked."



"In fact, if this is how you're getting your kicks, I'm only too happy to oblige."
"Aaargh! Puns too... bad. Death imminent."
"Heeey, I think I'm on to something here."


And so, Armakuni fought his first boss. Through the magic of having obtained the necessary papers, it became clear to Armakuni that the evil Shogun Kunitoki has realized -- and integrated into his rule -- the greatest evil of all: excessive bureaucracy.



"Psh, yeah... like I haven't heard that one before."


To be continued....
Archives established in 1997, url: lastninja.c64.org
C64 page :: heechee.net :: eMail