Chapter 5: Armakuni runs for office.




"The OFFICE! Do I even know what an 'office' is? Well, I guess I do, but still.... I wonder if I can extend the credit limit on my card."



"No? I guess we're not seeing eye to eye on this. Sword to eye, on the other hand...."



"Well, it's good to see that, even in this modern era, the tradition of comically small tables is not lost. They could have put something on top of it, though. That's just good manners."



"I guess this is an enviromentally friendly office. That said, I pity the people who have to work here. The color of the wallpaper kind of gives me a headache. And speaking of headaches..."



"But... but it's my JOB to guard this office."
"And it's MY job to walk around aimlessly and kill whoever I meet, because that's what ninja do. Didn't you read the manual?"
*wheeze* "Well... no."
"Then this is all your fault."
"I... *cough* ...fail to... see... the logi-" *ded*
"And that's why you're just some random hippy guard who is tasked with guarding the green room."



"EUREKA! I found.... uh.... four numbers? I guess I should write them down or something, because anything not junk-food related has proven to be very important, no matter how unlikely it may have seemed at first."



"I FOUND YOUR GODDAMN NUMBERS, OK?!"
"W-what are you... *cough* ...talking ab-" *ded*
"You tell me. Well, except you can't. At least not since I killed you. Hindsight's always a bitch, ain't it?"



"Hmmm. Whoever hung this one up there has good taste. His employers might be wondering why their boss would put up headshots of ninja, but I know what I like and I like this. If I had remembered to bring my magical marker, I would have scribbled 'Employee of the month' on the frame."



"For a bunch of hippies, you guys sure are well armed."
"Yes, we're hippies AND Amish people, so they kind of cancel each other out so hard that we become highly violent. You know, the 'two negatives make a positive' principle? This is that, taken to eleven. Or over nine thousand, depending on which popular meme you subscribe to."
"Shame for you that it doesn't make you any stronger, though."
"Yeah, that's our lot in life. Karma, eh?"



"Not only that, but we have the 'several gateways' dilemma again. This better not be another round of that nonsense I faced in the sewers."



"Nope. Just another room guarded by an Amish hippy and a color scheme that's at least easier on the eyes. Well, as long as you don't look down."
"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up. And the color is killing me."



"There was absolutely nothing here as well, so this room was just a gigantic red herring. Which means the color was actually pretty appropriate."



"Oh dear God, what have they done to this room? There are... bathroom tiles all over the place. Which means that the pot in the back there is... uh... yeah, not going there, both literally and figuratively."



"....well, OK, maybe literally. And thankfully, I was wrong. What IS it with me and having to check out potentially disgusting stuff? I really need to see a doctor about that."



"Oh, hey. A secret exit. Good thing I checked this lamp, because it gave absolutely NO indication about being a switch for a secret exit."
"...."
"What do you mean 'that's logical'?"



"OK, what the hell is up with this place?"
"It's the emergency exit. What did you expect? A song-and-dance routine?"



"Everybody's gonna be a standup act these days. I hope he liked my feedback when I fed him with my sword."
"Your... *cough* ...opinions are... are...." *ded*



"What the... up here, and I'm expected to just go inside again? What happened to regular stairwells?"



"OW! Sneak attack, eh? I bet they expected me to see him, even if he was in plain view by any logic standards."



"Well, it's a good thing he didn't have the IQ to follow me inside. Because they never EVER do in this stupidly illogical place."



"There are guns everywhere. Now, you might be wondering why I won't just pick up a few and bring with me. The answer to that is actually quite simple."
"....."
"Because there is no ammunition to be found."



"OK, I can't say I'm a big fan of this place."
"....."
"What do you mean 'that's an old joke'? Which era do you think I'm from? We've barely started to invent comedy."



"WHOA! You wouldn't think this slowly rotating fan could blow me off this thick ledge, but you would be wrong. And dead."



"And one short 'open Sesamee' later...."



"And I'm... HEY, so where's the engine driving a fan that's strong enough to push PEOPLE off ledges like that? LOGIC? HELLO?!"



"Christ on a... well, whatever. I'm not hanging around this place trying to figure THAT out. I'm sure I'll see more things that make no sense later on."



"OK, that dude has to be one of the most dedicated guards in the history of forever. Who the hell patrols the LEDGE OF A SKYSCRAPER like this? Are these people having an infestation of time-travelling ninja who somehow manage to solve all these riddles or something?"



"And further up we go. Hey, I think I hear something up here."



"Get to da what? Could you please repeat what you just said, Arnie?"



"Well, whatever. I'll just grab this dangly ladder thing and tear this... 'chopper' ...down with my awesome ninja powers."


Never has our friend Armakuni been nearer some answers to his many questions and quandaries. With a weird contraption hanging in the sky, he latches on, planning on bringing it down with him. And so, his perserverance will finally pay off.



"OH CRAP, MAYBE THIS WASN'T SUCH A GOOD IDEA AFTER ALL!"


To be continued....
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