Chapter 4: Drugs are bad, mmmkay?




"OK, so I went from a sewer and further down... into a basement. I wonder if the jail section in feudal Japan had a 'basement'. Maybe the jail WAS a basement. It just needed some random, nondescript crates or something. And possibly fewer body parts. I have to admit I'm not on the level when it comes to basement technology."



"And speaking of crates... god DAMN, that's a lot of 'em just lying around."



"Maybe I stumbled upon Santa's workshop. Some of them are so nicely packaged, with ribbons and stuff. I'm almost expecting something like a teddy bear if I open one of them."



"And they're all guarded by BLUE MEANIES!"
"And having pointed, you chose to pierce?"
"Well... yeah. It's a ninja thing, see?"
"....right."



"OH GOD MY HEAD IS STUCK! WHAT WAS I THINKING?!"



"Good grief, that was embarrassing. Good thing that blue meanie guy was already dead, or I'd never lived it down."



"OW! Dammit, have I completely lost my ability to walk even relatively wide walkways like this? Haven't these guys heard about railings? Where is the safety inspector? I'd like to have a word with him."



"It sucks that the battle engine in this game isn't very good, but in this case, I can't even see who I'm fighting."
"Who am I? Who are you? Who are we fighting for? What is your favorite color? What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
"Oh, just die already, you con."



"It's bad enough that I had to fight you like that, but you had to pull out all that nonsense too. Just for that, I'm going to max out your credit card."



"At any rate, now that I have obtained a black belt in walking along these walkways without falling off -- which you can't see because my ninja suit is also black -- I'm going to check out where this walkway ends."



"No question about it. That is one bald guy. He has even polished his noggin to a sheen."



"Whoa, rapid cart assault. Did someone build a rollercoaster down here? Man, I wish I had a basement with a rollercoaster."



"Well, at least there was a point in me going here. I would have felt kind of cheated if there wasn't. And... maybe it's just me, but we've gone from crates to barrels to giant urns. What the hell are they packing down here? In a literal fashion, I mean."



"Ew, bad color scene. Lime green? Seriously? Lime green and brown? And in the middle, a guard clad in brown corduroy. Apparently, I've landed on the set of Miami Vice."



"At any rate, I dub thee Sir Lickmyboots. Now get to work, knave."



"Yeah, sure. Just lie in a fetal position and cry, you sissy. In the meantime, I'll steal this chicken leg from your food bowl. Not that I'm particularly hungry -- especially after seeing THIS color sceme -- but you never know when things like this can come in handy."



"OK, I guess I'm done living the high life. Time to get my feet back on the ground, so to speak."



"And the easiest way to do that is just hop straight down. That is, if you don't mind breaking both your feet. Ow!"



"But why risk your feet when you can walk backwards, because that sounds SO much smarter. That's right, kids. Don't look where you are going or anything."



"Well, who am I to argue with logic in this 'peace and love' colony? The blue guy underneath here?"



"Your arguments are very... hard-hitting."
"I always cut right to the chase, because that's easy to do when using a sword. Anyway, later, homeslice."



"SLASH!"
"Ow, my baldness."
"And you're doing that on purpose too, just to look cool in a bandanna. You deserved it, you jerk."
"It's a fair cop."



"And so I have to face the insane factory basement rollercoaster. I'm sure I can manage running across."



"Aaack, maybe not. I was hit so hard both me and the cart disintegrated. That's... just..." *ded*



"Somersaulting it is, then. The things I have to do to get by in this world."



"Alas, I know what'll be coming up next."



"Yep. Another guy in corduroy."
"...."
"The guy in corduroy. That sounds like a swell name for a video reviewer, come to think of it. Or the name of a really bad detective novel."



"Oh, lookie. Another track, but this one doesn't have trolleys shooting out of the doorway as if they were bought on sale. Should be safe to pass, then."



"AAACK, I JUST LEARNED THE ELECTRIC BOOGALOO! IT'S A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME LESSON, MAINLY BECAUSE IT'LL KILL YOU!"



"Uuuh... I just... need another moment.... in.... a fetal position.... on this table. I'll... be ready in... a few minutes. Just a few minutes!"



"What's this here on the floor, then?"



"....yyyyeah, that's probably really healthy. A hamburger lying on the ground inside this despicable place that stores God knows what? Of course I'll eat that without question. Why do you ask?"



"Look, I'm just trying to find my way through this place. No, I have no idea WHY I'm here. No, I don't know where I'm going. And no, I don't want to take your survey, Bowl Cut Man."



"Man, some people just can't take no for an answer. It's either 'yes' or 'disembowelment'. And just look where it got me."



"Not a particularly long drop either, but I'm sure it'll kill me. Oh well, let's just make this short and snappy."



"HUT!"



"HHHOAAA!"



"YAH!"



"...SHO! And with that...."



"Is it really necessary to have these random turns that serve no purpose other than throwing more enemies at me? This might come as a surprise to some people, but I'm actually a gentle ninja. I don't really like flipping out and killing stuff just for the sake of it."



"Yowza! Did I just drop by the lab of Professor Balthazar by mistake? Because this is one colorful place despite the drab walls. And maybe it's just me, but... those top shelves... they're staring at me."



"Oh yeah, they're making some grade-A Moonshine here. Whoever lives here sure knows how to party."



"And this, I believe, is the 'white powder' department, where the 'how to get high in the basement' classes are held."



"The fall is kind of a downer, though, as Mr. Blue Meanie learned."
"No, I fell because you kicked me in the stomach, you jerk."
"Details, details."



"And we're back to packages.... and urns. And hey, is that a little bit of... shall we say... washing powder?"



"Don't mind if I doAAARGH! I just TOUCH it, and die more or less instantly. That's some nasty stuff...." *ded*



"Well, that sucked. Maybe I should try marinating the chicken leg in it instead?"



"Eeesh, it worked, but that stuff made the chicken leg look like something I used to pick my nose."
"AAAARGH! Go away and keep your nasty stories to yourself."
"No need to be like that. Can't we all just be friends?"
"Yeah, you say that, but I saw what you did to the other guys. Stay away from me, you lunatic!"



"Look, we all know how this is going to end, so just accept it."
"The stab. Always with the stab."
"And how is it my fault that you shop your blades at Mr. Short Stuff's World of Hurt? Didn't you read the fine print: that I'm not the one who would experience the hurting?"
"Hindsight, ever the bitch." *ded*



"Oh well, maybe Professor Balthazar is over here instead."



"That's not a professor. In fact, it's a big kitty. C'mere, kitty kitty...."



"...kittyAAARGH! BIG CAT TEETH HURTING OH GOD IT'S MUCH WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!" *ded*



"Well, there's no way around this, I guess. Forgive me, animal friends, for what I'm about to do: getting a black panther high off its rocker!"



"And it died."
"....."
"THAT'S EVEN WORSE! CURSE YOU, WHOEVER YOU ARE THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO REACH! YOU WILL FEEL MY VENGEANCE FOR THIS MURDEROUS, BUT CUTE KITTY!"



"I do believe I see the end of this particular trek. Now, how to get past the guard..."
"....."
"Hey, dude... you hungry?"



"Good Lord, was he ever. He even ate my seemingly snot-covered chicken leg, and that thing looked nasty. I seriously need to get out of this place."


Our hero is closing in on... something. The answer is out there, and maybe one day, Armakuni will find out what his destiny is. But before all that, he'll have to face a more... practical problem.



"Oh crap! Blue screen! What did I do?"


To be continued....
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