Chapter 3: Who's up for a game of Sewer Snark?




"Alas, poor fresh air of New York City, I hardly knew ya."



"Well, I guess it had to come to this. The prison from my first mission wasn't sewer-y enough, I guess. Because eeeeverybody loves a sewer level."



"And not only that, but there's been an increase in non-kickable doors as of late. Not sure if I like this development."



"Well, that leaves me with one choice. And no, that's not 'climbing back up and away from this stupid level'."



"WHOA! Don't just run up and scare me like that. I've got a ninja's reflexes, you know."
"My bad." *urk*
"Well, as long as you understand."



"They've even got torches on the wall. Yeah, that sounds like a brilliant idea, what with all the methane gas swirling around. And isn't this supposed to be a modern era? Where are the lightbulbs? Hell, where are the fluorescent lamps? Hello? Future?!"



*sigh* "Never mind. And apparently, I'm not the only one feeling blue."
"Har har. You will in a second."
"Yyyyeah, we'll just see about that."



"I dub thee Sir Wanksalot."
"Har har. If my shoulders weren't hurting so much...."



"And now you. Yes, I see you hiding behind there. Quite easily from my vantage point, in fact."
"Curses! Foiled by common sense. And here I thought you were as limited in your sight as players viewpoint would indicate."



"NOW PREPARE TO... wait, seriously, are you all blue?"
"Yes, we are the proud Smurf Brigade, and once we've smurfed you to smurfdom come, you'll be smurfed and I'm going to be the smurf on the hill. SMURF FOREVER!"
"Eeeesh!"



"Curses. Smurfed again."
"Er... yeah, whatever. I'm just going to take this key... thing... and go now."



"GAH! You again?"
*URGH* "Yes, and... thank you for... giving me... the... time to...." *ded*



"Whatever! I am HOPPING MAD!"



"No enemies? That... makes me extra cautious. I mean... it should."



"HAH, WHOA! It's a spider. Arguably not as large as the one I met in the castle dungeons in my first mission, but... yeah. Spiders."



"Well, the spiders are no match for my invisible bike. ARMAKUNI AWAY!"



"Well, what do we have here? A door. Blue one, even."
"...."
"Maybe the people down here have a thing for blue stuff."
"....."
"Come to think of it, this better not lead to some weird kind of Smurf dimension or anything."



"Hey, waaaait a second. This place looks familiar."



"I knew it! And now I can't go back for some reason. What kind of ass-backwards door is this? It's like it was solely made to piss me off."



"Well, at least that blue guy was still dead. And wouldn't you know it; the key-like thing worked just like that other key-like thing I picked up on the streets. Which means this place is basically like a sewer level within a sewer level. How low can these people go?"
"....in that non-literal way, I mean."



"Oh, oh, wait one second. Don't you DARE attack me before I've reached the floor. That's... not very sporting."
"Ask me if I care. You're a ninja, so I've gotta take whatever advantage that I can."
"Point, I guess. Still...."



"Wait, you have no weapons?"
"No weapons? I've got my fist here, which I've named 'Smurfbuster mark 1'."
"That's nice, Mr. Gargamel, but it's time for you to die."



"Guh! It's... been nice... knowing you."
"It's been nice owning you. Later, tater."



"The correct door is AAAARGH!"
"OK, that's that. Now I have to choose the right door.... which the guy I just stabbed was going to... DAMMIT!"
"....."
"OK, I guess I'm just going to have to go with the process of elimination."



"NOOO! Curses, I couldn't even see what killed me. AZIZ, LIGHT!"



"Well, that was not fun at all. OK, middle door."



"Hah! Well, imagine that. Hopefully, I won't have to deal with this stupidity again."



"The corrAAARGH!"
"GODDAMN IT!"



"Wow! Hey, lucky me. And whaddya know, they've got rats here too."



"Whoa, these buggers are aggressive. Is there anything in this future that WON'T try to kill me on sight? Anything?"



"We come in peaAAARGH!"
"Ups. Sorry. Reflex. And I got an answer to my question too."



"Oh well, no use in dwelling on my mistakes."



*sigh* "You deserve to die for putting me through this 'choose your destiny' nonsense again. Haven't you done this enough, already?"
"I would like to say yes, but your sword through my stomach says otherwise."



*cough* "But... I came in... peace."
"Not with a sword in your hand. How stupid do you think I am?"
"Well, I..." *ded*
"Which means that the last guy who told me the same thing probably lied. Damn it all!"



"OK, we have one doorway and one ladder leading up. You'd think this would be a good place to climb out of this goddamn ratmaze, but noooo... the correct answer is actually 'move right along now'. I swear... the tourism board of New York is getting SUCH a low rating on my travel log."



"Oh, look. An alligator."
"...."
"Wait, what?"



"SWEET MERCIFUL JAWS OF DEATH OH GOD THE PAIN!"



"Well, I suppose I need to find some way to avoid becoming Doc Croc's new chew toy. Oh, and look who's back on his feet."
"....."
"Hmmmm. Saaaay, that gives me an idea."



"I wonder if our dear new house pet... well, sewer pet... would enjoy a mouthful of Molotov Cocktail."
"....."
"What? You thought I would just throw the corpse of this poor fool in the waiting jaws of an alligator? Yeah, I could do that, but really, I should probably keep the parental guidance rate as low as possible."
"....."
"What do you mean 'I should have thought about that before I threw myself into his giant, gaping maw'?"


"Oh, look... there he is. He's guarding his little lair. Isn't that just the cutest?"


Thankfully (and mercifully) brief, his stint in the sewers is about to come to an end. Our hero is not about to let anything get in his way to uncover just what is going on, which should become clear any time now. But first....



"Oh dear Lord, I am SO going to get an earful from PETA over this."


To be continued....
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