Chapter 2: Dress for success with a hood in da hood.




"A street. Something new."



"Something seems a bit... off... with the perspective here."



"OK, on this side, we have a huge outside area with entire rivers and boats and a wall around all of it, and a huge open gate...."



"And here, it's a tiny back alley with a little patch of green. Now, either someone has mastered the art of quantum space expansion, or I'm just high off my rocker."
"...."
"Well, I'm outta here. This place is messing enough with my head as it is, and I don't want to stick around until the Shrödinger's Whale comes home."



"Oh, it's a POLICEMAN. I wonder if he's going to be willing to listen, or if he's going to attack me on sight, just like EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS WORLD! I know I'm a ninja and all, but did someone fasten a note saying 'attack me' on my back when I wasn't looking?"



"Yes, I thought so. Thank you, Mr. Policeman."
"To serve and protec..." *ded*



"And as an aside, more policemen. This... town... has a far bigger budget for protection services than Armakuni himself. Christ!"



"Well, screw that. Pardon me, Mr. Unconscious Policeman. I'd rather not have to face more law enforcement than strictly needed."



"Well, there's no police here. That's... new, I guess. And what's with the two white lines crossing this... gray, hard ground... thing. Maybe that means I can cross it."



"AAAARGH! It's a trap!"
"What the hell was that? And why was I able to run over someone without flying off the bike like a stone off a catapult?"



"Well, screw that. I'm going up here instead."



"NOOOO! It's a Mobius circle, where I'll be forced to wander in circles over and over and over and over and over and over and over and o... well, you get the point."



"Well, I guess I can go up here. At least it doesn't LOOK like a trap."



"Hmm. No police here either. Great. Then I can steal this burger thing and add it to my inventory."



"OK, so if I go up here, will I still be going in circles?"



"Oh, another policeman, and he's got a sword. I guess you don't mess with the police in Noo Yoak!"



"Hello? Operator? I would like to register a complaint. What? Hold this line? You want me to hold the cable? What good is that going to do? What do you mean 'press 1 for this and that'? What... how... how much time do you think I have? Well, none for this, that's for sure."



"I honor thee, box of ineptitude. May your waiting line last forever, which it probably will."



"Oh, another trap, eh? Well, I guess.... I have no choice now. Damn it all."



"Well, it was no trap, if you don't count the policeman who... big surprise... tried to beat me to death. I seriously need to find an 'I went to New York City, and all I got was a beating by the police' T-shirt."



"Well, if I ever thought the signs and banners back home was odd, this place is just... what is this anyway?"



"Oh well, I'm here for a purpose, so I guess I should try to find out exactly what that purpose is. It's not like I was told why I was shot in the shoulders by lightning, after which I suddenly found myself here."



"I mean... what the hell am I doing here? How do I get back? I was in the middle of class! Don't they understand the seriousness of the situation? But more importantly... what are you doing up there in the window, strange woman?"



"Uh... are you OK, madam? I'm just walking here. Is there anything about that you find offensive? Offensive enough to literally throw unlimited pots at my head?"
"....."
"Seriously, how many of those things do you have?"



"Oh no, not this again. Well, the light is green, so maybe that's it."



"THAT'S THE OTHER DIRECTION, FOO'!"
"Curses! Foiled again."



"Well, fine. This is still new territory, so I'm damn well going to continue going in this direction."



"Well... at least this isn't a policeman. Dare I be optimistic and hope he won't attack me as well?"



"Nope! And that's why he's worshipping my feet at this moment. Well, at least there's SOME consistency in this world."



"Oh hey, we got familiar stuff on the wall. Well, either that or a stick drawing of a walking man. Either way, this door needs to open."



"Mr. Door, say hello to Mr. Key, also known as 'my foot'. Man, I should do this more often."



*gasp* "It's... it's... ANOTHER NINJA! My brother! You are the first person I've seen in this crazy place that looks like me. And let me tell you, that's a relief in more ways than one."



"Et tu, Judas. How... could you?"
"Whatchoo talkin' bout, Willis? This here is an authentic super duper ninja shop."
"Yes, I can see that. But why are you attacking me?!"
"Because that's how we roll in this city."



*BONK*



"Hah! Obviously, this man was no ninja. If he was, the accidental headbutt would have lead to a stalemate. Well, his loss, my gain. And my gain is a really sweet sword."



"Bye, fool. I'll make sure to put the sword to good use."



"YES! Finally logic in that the sword does more damage to a human being than a stupid staff!"



"Well, I guess I could check the streetlight part...."



"YES! This is the secret that the murder bike was trying to protect: upwards dimension warp. It is a small world after all."



"Well, there's gotta be SOMETHING worth checking out in this crazy place."



"OKGREENLIGHTGO!"



"Nooooo! Foiled again."
"Will you stop throwing yourself in front of my bike?"
"Hey, you're the one who never ever EVER make an appearance until I cross the road at the wrong moment. And now you're trying to convince me you're not aiming for me either."
"OK, you got me. I'm always taking my bike for a spin, looking for the chance to run over careless ninja. It's a hobby."



"Excuse me, Miss Pot. Also, never stop toakin'. It'll improve my survival rate."



"OK, let's see... according to the ancient Japanese/Hungarian phrasebook, this sign is saying 'Eats', which means.... 'tweak my nipples with delight'."
"....."
"Yeah, not going there, both literally and figuratively."



"Besides, this door seems to be made of a non-kickable material."



"What? Another one?"
"....."
"Come to New York and experience the latest in hobbies and trends: throw pot at the ninja."
"....."
"That sounds kind of awesome, come to think of it."



"......"
"Well, it's a good thing I don't know how to read this language, because something tells me I would have laughed my ass off."



"Oooh, booze. Don't mind if I do."
*hic* "HAAAAY! GET YAR OWN BOOZE, YA SON OF A... *hic* ...belwe... blewe... bell.... aw, nevah mind."
"This bottle ain't fo' drinkin', yo."
"WHUT! You be stealin' mah bottle, and ya ain't even gonna enjoy dat content? Dar ain't bein' any jush... josh... joshtice... whatevah."
"Yeah, I don't think you'll be needing any more of this."



"Now to move on down thiAAAAARGH!"
"GODDAMN IT! I just had it washed too, and now I got chunks of black all over it again."
"Sorry to inconvenience you, Sir." *ded*



"Green. Not green. Red. Not red. How do they think I'm going to keep track of all this?"



"Hmm. I wonder if this doofus I just beat up for attacking me wrote his name here. The ancient Japanese/Hungarian phrasebook I bought says it means 'pants wetter', but I'm not sure I can trust it anymore."



"Or maybe it's this guy. I wonder if he's living in that colorful little shrine back there in what would otherwise be a grey and drab neighborhood. He's even got an equally colorful car. It's just a shame I'm going to have to kill him because PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN CAN'T SEEM TO GET THE IDEA THAT I'D RATHER BE LEFT ALONE TO FIGURE THIS OUT!"



"What the hell is THIS?! It's all sticky and gross and... just... just... ew!"



"I seriously need to get away from this place. I never actually thought I'd ever say this, but I kind of miss the times where I had to dress up like a Teletubby just so that I could ascend some stairs. Or make myself light up like if I was taking part in the Pride Parade just so that I could become fireproof. Sure, it made me feel all kinds of embarrassed and wrong, but at least it's not as dreary and depressing as this damn neighborhood."



"See? I'm even getting the hang of avoiding murderous bikers. I even know what a biker is."



"And now this again. The policeman seems to be getting his kicks out of this, though."
"......"
"What?!"



"But now it's time for SPAZ ATTACKS!"
"Sir, what the hell are you doing?"



"THIS! I'M DOING THIS?!"
"OW, OW, OW! OK, I get your point!"
"......"
"What?!"
"You're just getting what you deserve for such punnery."



"Anyway, I'm back here again. Swell. And they haven't even restocked their hamburger stand. How do they plan on helping me meet my end by way of clogged-up arteries if they don't keep copious amounts of junk food around?"



"Oh, goodie. Another policeman, and he's wielding a pair of nunchucks too. This place sure got its share of civil unrest."



"Aaaand the fight came with predictable results. *sigh* Well, I can only see one way out of this. And it's NOT going to be fun."


Caught in the web of deceit known as... THE STREETS... Armakuni ponders his next move. He has a sword. He has a... weird, sticky thing.. and he still has his wits about him. And now, he only has to make that one decision. The decision will lead him into one of the least favored places in the world, but nobody ever said the life of a ninja is easy.



"You might be wondering why I'm choosing THIS manhole cover over the many others I passed on the way here. The reason for that is screw you!"


To be continued....
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