Chapter 1: How to make nunchucks from toilet accessories.




"What is a 'park'? Judging by the screenshot, I'd say it's more or less like the first half of my first adventure, only that they seem to have invented the sofa in the meantime."



"Alright, not only are the surroundings really strange, but I have apparently been placed on top of a building. That sounds like a brilliant starting point."



"Well now, this is fun. I should make a note to bring this back home with me when the mission is over. I could use it for my theatre setup for 'Little Drummer Ninja'."



"This, on the other hand.... is obviously not a looking glass. I don't know how they would expect anything else when they bend the tubes like that."



"Alright, that's enough fun and games. Time to see what's behind the carpet."



"Hmm. Maybe that friendly fellow in the back there can help me."



"Hey, you wouldn't know where I could fiULPS!"
"ANAAAAARCHYYYYY!"
"Now, that's just not nice."



"Sometimes, you just have to put your foot down when dealing with other people. And if that doesn't help, there's the 'putting the foot in the groin' method. That always, always works."
"Boy howdy, did I learn something new today."



"And down he goes, as predicted. All secrets of the old martial arts 'Junk Fu'."



"Hmm. Maybe if I... yes, thought so. Punching stuff generally helps. This is such a violent society, and coming from a ninja, that's really saying something."



"Well, my work here is done. Bye, Mr. Punk."
*cough* "B... bye."



"Oh yes, this is definitely something new. And an invitation to accidents, at least if somebody just punched the button out of curiosity while someone else stood on the trapdoor."



*oof* "Now that's a harsh drop. I bet that's going to make a lot of sense later on, when I die from shorter drops than this. Good thing the 'unlimited lives' clause is still in effect."



"Wow, a key. I do remember these from my last adventure. I guess keymaking technology hasn't advanced much these past... however many years it's been."



"And so, I'll finally be able to see this... 'park', whatever it is. I'm not sure why I should be getting all excited about a couple of trees and a bench, but hey...."



"Oh, look. That must be one of the local authorities. Excuse me, Sir?"



"OW! Sir, what are you doing?"
"What?! You haven't heard about police brutality? Did you grow up during the feudal era or something?"
"Yes, in fact, I did."
"Then where are your papers?"
"What?"
"Papers! If you're going to move around here in New York City, you need papers."
"You are an odd man, and I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to 'Junk Fu' you now."



"HYAH! I bet that hurt, huh?"
"Bah! It was just a flesh wound."
"Fle... I KICKED YOU IN THE BALLS!"
"My balls are made of steel, so that ain't gonna do you much good."
"Well, then I see only one way out of this: we're just going to have to punch each other until one of us falls."



"So, how does that feel?"
"You hit like a girl. THIS is how you do it."
"So? The girls in our village are ninja too. They out-slap you like the little wiener that you are, you Village People reject."
"Oh, that's it! You are SO going to feel the next one."
"No, you!"
"No, you!"
"No, you!"
"No, y... OK, this is getting silly."



"Well, the outcome was inevitable, but... man, is my jaw sore."
"Durhur!"
"No, I meant... you... you fiend. Innuendo to this? That's just cruel."
"Oh, stop complaining! I could always have thrown in some 'prison bitch' jokes."
"I.... have no idea what that means, and I'm going to leave before I find out."



"Oh great, another policeman. I think I can see where this is going."



"Hmm. What's this? Meat between bread? People of the future sure are strange."



"Hey there, Mr. Punk. You still a fan of the ol..."
"ANARCHY!"
"...yeah, thought so. Well, I guess this is going to reach a foregone conclusion."



"AAAAARGH! GROIN KAMIKAZE ATTACK!"
"What the...."



"Well, I have to say you were a hardy fellow, as I didn't expect you to be using your forehead to perform 'Junk Fu' attacks. I'm guessing you must have been receiving training in this... 'prison' thing, whatever that may be."



"Oh crap, look who's up and walking again after his last defeat at Junk Fu. I don't suppose you'd just let me go on my merry way without any kind of incident?"
"Actually, I will. In fact, I'm not even going to arrest you for stealing hamburgers, even though you are supposed to pay fifteen cents for them. Or maybe it's 75. Heck if I know."
"Well, that was right neighborly of ya. Especially considering we live literally eras apart."



"Christ! Another policeman? What kind of budget are the law enforcement getting in this here town? They're guarding an empty and pretty insignificant building."



"Well, he seems a little busy being all threatrical and stuff. Must be a local thing, but I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. I'll just quietly somersault myself down here."



"Gee, another punk. I wonder how this is going to play out."



"ANARCHY!"
"Gah! Again with the forehead-to-nads. What are they DOING in this city?"



"Um... don't mind me, Mr. Policeman. I'll just... uh, walk briskly down here."



"What the hell was THAT about, prancing around like a complete dork? I swear, just LOOKING at it hurt more than taking a forehead to the family jewels. I'm pretty sure even going to jail won't be able to top that."



"Well, anyway, pardon me, Mr.... uh, Glass Jaw? Man, ONE punch, and you go down? Are you sure you're a real police officer?"
*groan* "Yes, and my name IS Glass Jaw. So..." *cough*
"Uh.... OK. Well... sorry."
"It's OK. I'm... ow... used to it."



"Weeell, anyway, we got shuriken."
"....."
"Big, yellow shuriken, but shuriken all the same."



"Hey, Mr. Clown... WHOA!"



"YAAAAAH! STOP THROWING KNIVES AT ME, MR. CLOWN!



"Man, those... clowns... sure are nefarious. You walk along, thinking you're getting to see a nice roadside show, and then BAM! Knives to the face. Say... what's that?"



"It's... a paper? Like... what? The 'papers' the policemen were nagging me over all the time? Does that mean they'll be leaving me alone from now on, then?"



"Look, ma. I'm climbing without claws."



"Well, now... I found my last staff among bamboo poles. Let's see if the... well, the modern kind... is as good."



"CANNONBALL!"



"Ow! My tailbone. OK, so that wasn't a very good idea. I'll be needing this one as much to walk as to fight."



"Now, then...."



"I could climb down, but I should be able to just hop down here. I mean... I survived the height of an entire floor, so this should be a piece of cake, right?"



"Aaaagh! Noooo! And I even landed on grass. This makes no sense...." *ded*



*sigh* "OK, fine. Careful it is."



*grumble* "Even a normal human being wouldn't die from this unless he landed on his neck. I bet the cats are laughing in the bushes."



"Well, no point in dwelling on the embarrassing parts. Not when I've got this long piece of wood I can beat punks to death with."
"....."
"What?!"



"Gah! Clown! You're not supposed to be mean, dammit!"



"Oh, I see. Kick the guy in the nuts when he's distracted by the clown, huh? Well, have at you, right leg!"



"Urgh! I was just trying to make an arrest. What the hell happened?
"You tried to kick a ninja in the ballsack, that's what happened."



"Hey, oh.. hey, oh... hey, what.. the... are you... doing?"
"Halt, fiend! Lay down your arms for... THE LAW!"
"Oh, great. Now he's getting all theatrical when trying to apprehend me."



"Well, at least this guy is still dead. I would become a laughing stock if I didn't at least kill SOMEONE while out on a mission, regardless of how insane the whole mission is. Why, in my first mission, I killed many, many people. Here, they're getting back on their feet after having their jewels mutilated. People here are tough."



"Hmm. I've never noticed before, but these... 'toilets'... have half of a nunchaku hanging off it. I wonder...."



"WHOA! Hey, sorry, dude. Reflex attack. You OK?"
*urk* "Sure. I'm fine."
"Yeah, sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt your practice or anything, you prancing fruitcake! Even if you kind of attacked me the last time we met."



"Hmm. This guy remains dead too. I don't think I kicked him in the cojones THAT hard. Then again, he just wouldn't shut up about the hamburgers."



"Well, I guess I could always just recycle up some for him, even if it's just air."



"AHA! I knew it. I found another one of these half-a-chucks here. Now to just connect them together...."



"Aaaand there we go. A perfectly serviceable pair of chucks. If only Tim Allen could see me now."



"I should go test this one out at once. If only that policeman wasn't just lying on the ground there."



"HEY, YOU!"
"OW! What the...."
"Sorry. I just really had to test this one out."
"It smells like you fished it out of the toilet."
"Well, that's kind of where I found it."



"Anyway, the key should be here. I guess it's a good thing I walked all around this place picking up weaponry, though."



"Hmmm. A water vehicle, but so tiny. Well, it's not like I can swim or anything, so I guess I shouldn't complain."



"Oooh. Nice boat."



"Now that went just swell. And it's so much easier to land on than a tiny stone. I approve, Mr. Boat."



"Hmm. What's this? A cloud of dots moving in my direction? Why, it's..."



"OH GOD BEES IN THE FACE! THE PAIN! THE HORROR!"



"RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY FROM THE BEES!"



*whew* "OK, that was not a whole lot of fun. But look, there's another boat."



"MOVE, boat. I need you to slide gracefully down the stream, so.... I compel you to move!"
"....."
"Damn, it's not working. I wonder what else I should try."



"When all else fails, poke it with a stick. I guess that counts as good advice in most situations. Well, most non-bee-related situations."



"CANNONBALL!"



"OW, OW, OW, OW, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES!"



"What kind of idiot thought it was a good idea to put a beehive in the PARK. Do they enjoy getting sued a lot? Whoops. Boat now, bees later."


And with that, our hero, Armakuni, once again started on his path to fight evil. Instead of dragons and other unsavory beasts, he had to face newer things, like punks, bees and police brutality. It was going to be a long journey, and relatively unpleasant, but he was ready. Once this latest watery peril had been conquered, he would be ready to move on.



"Hmm. Well, that was bloody anticlimactic."


To be continued....
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