Chapter 6: I completed Last Ninja and all I got was this lousy paper scroll.




"OK, I made it past the Teletubby stairs and this... just looks like the same damn place? Well, that sucks."



"Alright, who went crazy with the Japanese letter stamps in this place? There's a limit to how many times I have to read about this being the middle capital number six or something like that. Sentence structure, people!"



"Well, now.... THIS I could use: BOOZE!"



"See? They're even labelling it correctly. 'Sleeping medicine'? Yeah, I get it, durhur."



"Well... *urk* ...you may have gotten me in the testicles, but I got you THROUGH THE HEAD!"
"My... mistake...." *ded*
"That's the last time I order takeout vasectomy. It kind of hurts."



"Anyway, no time mourning my lost impregnating abilities -- which, come to think of it, really DOES make me the last ninja. Oh well...."



"Hmm. Another guard. What are you, anyway? A PINK shirt?"
"Hey, it was an accident in the wash. Not my fault."
"Oh, so you really ARE a redshirt? That's a relief."
"Wait, no! I'm..."



"Ah, you are a grey shirt. You can pass."
"I... uh, what? Well... OK, I guess."
"Bye."



"OK, now this.... I wouldn't possibly know what do to here, since the urn in the back doesn't say 'PUT ROSE IN HERE, PLEASE'. What the hell did they expect us to do? Guess?"



"Yeah, that was... kind of silly when you think about it."



"Oh, look, what a cute doggie. Come here! Who's a good boy? Huh? Who's a good, good boy?"



"AAARGHLE! I... hoisted by my own petard. Life is cruel and has big pointy teeth..." *ded*



"Well, let's... not do that again. I'm not sure how much more my groin can take."



"What the... what are YOU doing here? I said you could go."
"Well, I figured that a ninja who just let me go had to be a fake -- a wimp -- so my chances should be pretty good."
"I was trying to be nice due to reasons of being tired of kicking you guys in the balls. But if that doesn't sound like a good deal for you.... your funeral, pal."



"Look, a... uh, brownshirt? Doesn't he wash after doing number two?"



"I was right, apparently, and now my staff is all smelly and stuff. Thanks a lot, wipes-on-his-shirt."



"What the HELL is that thing in the back?"
"It's a cannon. A CANNON!"
*whew* "A cannon, huh? That's a relief. It kind of looked like, uh... never mind."
"Ew."



"OK, that's one guard down. Now to check out this... 'cannon'. Man, Kunitoki's really fond of his euphemisms, isn't he?"



*OOF* "I REGRET NOTHING!" *ded*



"Alright, now that I've found yet another way of castrating myself, it's time to go join the boys' choir. Nah, just kidding, it's time to move on."



"You still lying there, huh?"
"It's... *ungh* ...worship. By all means, move on."



"OK, that's enough. Stop licking my boots. That's really unsanitary."
"But.... but...."
"Don't force me to poke you in the butt with this thing."



"And this room has no guards. But... what's that thing in the back?"
"......"
"OK, famous last words. I know."



"Well, I can see outside. And the roofs of that building across looks really close through this telescope. That must mean it's really far away, huh?"



"Well, I guess I don't have much time to spend on games and frivolities now, do I, goggie? Here, have some juice."



"Hehe, worked like a charm. Now to hurry past this suspicious speck of dust here."



"Aaaack, my vision is greying out. This must be what they call a near-death exper..." *ded*



"Or maybe an actual death experience. Bah! Maybe the answer can be found in those pixels of dust at my feet."



"Oh, great. MORE Teletubby shenanigans. And making my suit red is going to save me from the arrow... how?"



"By... the statue NOT shooting? How in the seven hells does literally making myself a redshirt prevent me from dying needlessly? Is everyone here just all ass-backwards about everything?"



"Oh, whatever! Eat long stick death, random guard. I'm getting really tired of your kind."
"I was... the last... one." *ded*
"Really? Well, I guess random redshirt grunts died out faster than the ninja, then. That's good to know."



"Hmmm. Well, this is definitely not the scroll I was looking for. Imagine that."



"And you would be the great evil Shogun Kunitoki, I guess?"
"Indeed I am. Welcome to my evil lair. Now, have at you!"



"Prepare to die."
"I shall not be defeated."
"You shall fall at my feet."
"My evil knows no bounds?"
"You cannot stand in the face of light, evil one."
"You cannot win. My powers are unlimited."
"Your powers of evil cannot stand in the face of the powers of light."
"So have all the others before you... say, do I have to spout this cheesy tripe for much longer?"
"Just a little bit more."
"Urgh! Just... just get it over with already."



"HA! I won!"
"So you did. Well, I guess that's just the way it goes. I just regret not standing right in front of you. You could just have ended it straight away with a shuriken instead. It'd save me... from having to... talk all... this.... crap." *ded*
"You're a villain. If I have to stand here and sound like a complete dunce, the least you could do is measure up to me on those scales. Hey! You're not listening, are you?"
"I'M DEAD, YOU IDIOT!"
"And I'm brown. What does THAT mean?"
"....."



"Now THERE'S the scroll, I bet. And in plain sight too. I'll just go and grab it right now."



"Aaack! A trap in plain sight too. And this time, it's a 'do not go to jail' kind of a trap..." *ded*



"Christ on a... they just HAD to throw in another jumping section for me to do. Was that really freaking necessary?"



"The last touch-and-go. Now to slowly wander back over what used to be a trap, and...."



"There. I got the Goddamn scroll. Now turn on the Goddamn light."



"AAARGH! I'M BLINKING! WHY AM I BLINKING? WHAT'S GOING ON? OH GOD, MY EYES! STOP THE WORLD, I WANT OFF!"



"Urgh! And of course I had to stop at white. I ain't no Goddamn White Ninja. This is stupid."



"GAH! Now what? Who's messing with the lights? Knock it off already. I'm done. End, already."


Indeed, the journey is finally over. Save for some odd problems with the electical wiring, Armakuni got the scroll he was searching for, and with that, our story ends, not with a bang but with...



"WHAT?!"


THE END!
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