Chapter 4: Dungeons & Dangers.




"Finally, I have arrived in Legoland. That means I'm getting closer to my prey."



"No, not you, so just... shut up and die."
"Glad to... to be of service." *ded*
"Yes, whatever. Time to get a move on."



"What is my favorite coloAAAARGH, NO, IT'S NOT YELLOW WHAT IS GOING ON?!"



"OK, seriously, what the hell was that? Quick... concrete? Quickasphalt? How the hell could I just fall through solid floor like that?"
"NOW YOU DIE!"
"Well, at least it's got a nice echo."



"Alas, such was the way of the wimps. Even in the dungeon, they persist in remaining unchallenging to face."



"Hmph. Rats and doors. And unspecified black lumps of... something... all over the place. This can surely not be anything but good tidings."



"Oh hey, a rope. And are we playing 'the dark tiles are lava' now or something? Because it makes absolutely no sense that I wouldn't be able to walk on them just because they're slightly darker in color."



"Well, at least there's a path of lighter tiles leading up to the rope, so... don't mind if I do."



"Hey there, Mr. Guard. You might want to step aside for a little while. I think the rats are getting a bit antsy."
"HALT AND DIE!"
"Not a friend of the animals, are we?"



"Here's one for the animals, then."
*grunt* "I have... *cough* ...seen the error of my balls. *wheeze* Now, if I could only..." *ded*
"Become their next meal? Gross, but thoughtful. I'll just... quietly step over you and be on my way, then."



"My, oh my. Are you sure you're eating right, young... man? Woman? Come on; throw me a bone here."



"Or... um... just drop them all to the floor. That works too... I guess."



"Good Lord, another one. Are they giving you food, you poor souls? I mean... they sure are generous when equipping you with weaponry, but you'd think they could leave some place in their budget for basic human necessities like food and water. That's just harsh, man. Or woman. Possibly."



"Eugh, that's just disgusting. Is that the dinner table? Are they all cannibals down here? I'm almost afraid to think about what can be found in the 'pantry' in the back there. Half-rotted human meat and a fireplace just in the back. Just... just... ew!"



"Yep, just as I feared. No pulse. There's no saving this guy."



"LUNCHABL-URK!" *ded*
"No way, dude. Nobody'll be eating this succulent meat."



"Christ on a vogelstick, this place is confusing as hell. Paths making no sense, just going off in all kinds of directions and returning me to places I've already been."



"Well, at least this is new. Granted, two ninety-degree right turns realistically just turns me back where I came from, more or less, but who knows? I might actually be getting somewhere here. Oh, and do I spot a little delight on the table over there."



"Ah, an apple. And I'm sure it has suffered no ill effect from lying on this table for God knows how long in this rotting, corpse-infested dungeon populated by rats and cannibals. No wonder it's been left uneaten."



"Hmm, well, I guess there's no getting out of this one."



"Hah! I bet he never even saw what hit him."
"And I was... only heading over to that... open door so... I could take a leak..." *ded*



"Hmm. Which way to go. I think I need to SIT DOWN and think it over for a while."
"Argh, noooo! I am not a bench."



"I'm sorry; did I arrive mid-assembly? I didn't mean to surprise you just as you were getting dressed, so to speak."



"And now I'm back here. HEY, RATS! I'M KIND OF LOST HERE, SO COULD YOU GIVE ME A HAND?!"
"....."
"Just... don't do a thing. Maybe he'll go away if we ignore him."



"And now there are ghosts. To think this mission had been pretty normal up to this point.... except for the big, brown cave dragon... and the blinking magic that made me flameproof... aaand the water dragon.... and the super ultra poisonous rose.... aaaaand the Bling Buddha."
"......"
"Never mind, I guess."



"So... how'd you like my new knee-headbutt combo. Neat, huh?"
"I LIKE IT... *grunt* ...VERY MUCH!"



"You didn't need to fall at my feet, however. Oh well, time to figure out where to go. Again."



"Good Lord, there's more bone men here than you could shake a stick at. I guess that's the most common kind of guard you can find the raw materials for down here. Which begs the question; do the living ones eat each other, and the losers become skeleton guards? Because that makes a hell of a lot of sense."



"These guys are probably on break or something. HOW'S IT HANGING, GUYS?!"



"How rude. They could at least have said something. I swear... the work morale of people today..."



"OK, now what? What's this shuffling sound I hear? Why am I getting this feeling of ill omen?"



"Maybe I shouAAAARGH OH LORD THE PAIN AND HAIRY-LEGGED HORROR I..." *ded*



"Oh God oh God oh God just run run run run run big hairy bug of death at my heels."



"Christ, that was close. But now that I'm still alive and well, I'll... take whoever's hiding behind door B, Alex."



"GAH! I... I didn't actually expect anyone to show up in this doorway."
"That's OK. No harm done."
"You... ah, you got a good head on... er, I mean... in your arm there."
"Thank you. And let me tell you; the guilliotine may be a quick death, but it sure makes the afterlife a bit of a pain."
"I'll... uh... I'll keep that in mind."



"Well, this seems to be it, judging by the odd marks on the wall there."
"NONE SHALL PASS!"
"Oh, quiet you. I have not passed through dungeons and giant spiders to bandy crooked words with yet another dopey grunt. Now, lie down and respect your betters."



"Why must you be so mean, ninja?"
"I do it out of love, my friend. Now, lie still, or I shall have to show you just how much I really care about you."
"Point taken."
"Not yet, but you will if you keep talking to me."
"....."
"Good boy."


Nearly cast into darkness and death, the ninja fights himself back into the world of light. There is but one more step he has to take to emerge into the light of day once more, if he has remembered to gather the tools to do it.



"Why the hell do I need a ROPE to get up here? These are some perfectly good footholds, and a rope just needlessly complicates things. Good lord, but could I at least get ONE situation that makes sense here?"


To be continued....
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