Chapter 3: I beg you pardon... I never promised you a Palace Garden.




"And here we are. The only thing that separates this from being WASTELANDS is... more flowers. Yessiree."



"Well, it IS more colorful, I guess."



"Ooh, and here's a phallic little thing with water constantly gushing out of it. That is just totally swell."



"Yeesh. SOMEONE obviously wants me to take a good look at his garden when I'm raiding his home. I probably shouldn't complain, though, seeing as how the earlier regions warp space any way it feels like."



"Oh, hey there, Mr. Gardener."
"DESTROY!"
"Uh... or not. Well, as long as he lasts more than one attack...."



"DAMMIT!"



"Freakin' jelly-bellied low rent grunts. They sure don't make 'em like they used to. Ah, it's a bore to be a ninja."



"Aaaack! Not this again. I swear... if they take a RIVER and stretch it out to two screens, I ain't doing any of that."



"ATTAAAACK!"
"Ow! What the... you respawn? And you're a camper too, you campin' bitch."



*sigh* "So much for that distraction. What does a guy have to do to get a decent challenge around here? I should probably let him know how much of a sadcase that he was."



"What are you doing? Oh, God, you're not going to..."
"That's right! Eat my hot air, you loser. I hope you get fired."



"The nerve... I wonder just how much nonsense I'll be having to put up with in this place. It's bad enough that logic has to be turned on its ear. It's even worse that I don't have much of a fighting engine to work my magic with, but this..."



"Oh hey, what's this?"



"Sweet. Maybe I could just leave behind this life of ninja-related shenanigans and take up highway robbery. Or... uh, Palace Garden robbery. Well, at least my victims would most likely be rich."



"OK, so it was a bad idea, so sue me. And on another note; since I didn't get the chance to use one of the outhouses back in the Wilderness, I guess I should take the chance to get my.... business... out of the way. Now that I'm not glowing or being sparkly or anything like that."



"My God, would you just look at this. Buddha would be so displeased about this. Are you the gardener? Are you?!"
"KILL!"
"A 'yes' or a 'no' will do, young man."



"OW! What the... you're supposed to be cutting the grass. Not me! If you were my gardener, I'd fire you on the spot."
"ATTACK!"
"And go read something. Your vocabulary is atrocious."



"I do believe my insides have been penetrated in a manner most foul."
"Oh, so NOW you get all eloquent and stuff. Well, too late now, foo'."



"Wait, wait, don't tell me. It's 'KILL!', right?"
"KI... uh, yes."
"Figures."



"Hey, man. You OK? Did I hit you too hard? I'm only using a bamboo pole, you know. I thought that would be less sadistic than a sword."
"Urk. I... appreciate your... courtesy." *ded*
"Fate. It can be so cruel."



"Oh, look. A flower lying on the ground. Just the thing to cheer me up from this drudgery of one-hit killing everyone I meet."



"Now to pick it up and... AAARGH!" *ded*



"OK, what the hell was that? Good thing I have unlimited lives, but still... ow! And from a flower too. I guess I gotta put on my gloves for this one."



"There we go. And it's red now... undoubtly thanks to MY BLOOD!"



"Hey, it's another outhouse. With the way it's covered up, though, they shouldn't be surprised when raiding ninja relieve themselves in his water fountains. I mean, there's not even a small path leading up to it."



"Oh well, at least we have a guard who doesn't look like he's noticed me. Now if I could only sneak past him and..."



"GAH! Damn my ninja reflexes. Damn them to hell."



"Um... yes, I don't think I'll be trying to cross that one. Call me a wimp if you like, but no good will come from it."



"ATTACK!"
"Ow! OK, I should have seen that one coming."



"And you should have seen this one coming. Didn't our last encounter teach you anything about ninja and knee-related deaths?"



"KILL!"
"Oh yeah? Let's see what you got."
"HAIYAAAIIIIIII!"
"Urk!" *ded*
"Thought so."



"Wait, a waterfall leading further upwards to where I'm going? Nothing good can come from this."



"Aaaand onwards it goes. Past the water fountain... yeesh, do they have this flowing water theme going or what? If they keep this up, I'll be needing another outhouse break again pretty soon."



"KILurk!"
"Sorry, but I don't have time for your nonsense. I really have to... well, go."
"Just... just keep on, and... *cough* ...to the... the left. Can't... *wheeze* ...miss it!" *ded*
"Now that's service. Used his last breath to give me some proper customer service. Or infiltrator service. Or whatever. Anyway, good man."



"What the... that... EVIL BASTARD! Outhouse my ass. It's the most flowing water I've seen so far. That's it! I'm going to just lower myself down into that stream and... let it go. And I hope it's their drinking water."



"Aaaaah. That's better."



"Well, I feel relieved. Time to move on."



"Hey, could we..."
"DESTROY!"
"...please not do this.. oh, well. That's what I get for trying to think I can settle this without a fight, un-ninja-ish as it is."



"Uh.... OK, so the path just heads off to the right again. But I won't be allowed to go there unless I do what? Pray to this buddha? OK, fine!"



"Aaack, it's the Buddha of Bling, and I didn't wear the right offering..." *ded*

*a big, ole amount of backtracking later*



"Alright, so I've got nobody but myself to blame for this. Fair enough. That'll teach me not to jump over dangerous rivers ever again, I guess."



"HEY! YOU!"
"Dum-dee-dum. Hmm. Did I hear something?"



"Oh, it was you, wasn't it? You were the one who went 'HEY YOU' just now, wasn't it? You're all the same. You just want to shout 'KILL' or 'DESTROY' or whatever and attack. Always violence with you guys. It's about time someone punished you for your violent ways."
"What the hell are you talking about?"



"Well, there you go. I bet you're sorry now, huh?"
"But... I wasn't... I wasn't going to... do.... anyth-" *ded*



"Oh, hey now. That's quite the nice piece of jewelry you got, son. In fact, that's just what I was looking for."
"Hm?"



"In fact, don't mind if I do."
"H-heeey, don't you just go and take a man's jewelry."
"No can do. I have to pray to the Buddha of Bling, or I'll never get past this place."



"HEY YOU!"
"There's that voice again."



"Yes, you!"
"Oh, hey there, Mr. Water Dragon. I suppose you're here to attack me and drag me underneath to eat me at your leisure."
"Actually... no. I'm just here for visual effect. An eyecatch, if you will."
"Really? But that's kind of pointless, isn't it?"
"It was the best my agent could do on such short notice."
"Sorry to hear that. Well, anyway, I have to be on my way now. I have a palace to infiltrate and all that."
"No prob. Good luck."



"What a nice fellow. If only more of my encounters were like that."



"OK, I got the God damn bling. Now open the God damn path."


But would this be enough to satisfy the greed of the Buddha of Bling? Would our hero be 'rad' enough to pass muster on this great trial of material obsession? What else would he have to do to earn the right to pass?



"OK, your sandals are all shiny and sparkly. Can I go now? Please?"


To be continued....
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