Hello, everyone. You know, sometimes it's nice to go back to one's gaming roots and make an LP out of that. To this end, I give you an LP on my favorite old-school gaming machine, the Commodore 64. And what better game to LP than a game from the biggest name in Commodore history, System 3. The game?

The Unlimited Lives of The Last Ninja.




Chapter 1: No ninja will go to waste....lands. Oh, bugger!




"Yes, indeedy. Now, to figure out which way I came from so that I can figure out which way I need to go."



"Ah, magic coin, you serve me well once more."



"Hey, a human. I wonder if he wants to be my friend."



"Hey, guy. What's your naOOF! Heeey, that's not nice."
"Eat it, short stuff."
"Why you..."



"Well, if that's how it's going to be, how about my knee in them apples?"
"OOF!"
"Didn't like that, didja?"



"Ow, my balls. My beautiful balls. They're crushed."
"Well, that's what you get for kneeing a ninja in the solar plexus, stranger."
"I am filled with regret and pain, but mostly pain."
"Well, we can always work on the regret part some more if you like."
"Nono, that's OK."



"Can you see me now? Huh? Can you? Waldo ain't got jack on me, boy. Waldo ain't got Jack. Eat my shorts, Waldo."



"Well, enough games. I'm on a mission, after all."



"Oooh. A blinky thing. This bears examination."



"It's... a sword. On a stone. I'm sure there's a hidden meaning to this."



"Oh yes, I've got my compensation tool riiiight here. It's so nice and long, too."



"Well, anyway, onwards we go. Or hop. That works too."



"Oh, HELL no! I ain't getting my feet wet. They didn't go into that in ninja school."



"Alas, back to the beginning, and then what? Did I drop in from nowhere? What's going on?"



"HellooOOPS! Sorry, didn't mean to stab you in the stomach, there. It was an accident, honest."
"AAARGH! Yes, I can feel this searing welcome in my innards. Please allow me to answer in turn."
"Oh, goodie."



"Oooh, my crotch is grateful. And made of steel. I hope that's OK."
"Yes, my toes understand the situation quite well, no worries."
"Well, you know what they say: no pain, no gain. And here's a whole lot of gain coming your way."



"Ah, the gain is washing all over me. All the way up to my back."
"Ah. Well, we can't leave any part of you out of the equation. I've got you covered. Or I will, shortly. And literally."
"Um... what?"



"HNNNG! Just... just a second, and you'll get that last piece of... HNNNNNNNNGH ..."
"Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me. You're not going to...."



"Oh, look. Another guard. Well, I've had it with the friendly route. Now, it's time for the bad cop routine. HEY, YOU!"



"That's it. Come riiiight over. I've got something for your face."
"YOU! TAKE MY SWORD IN YOUR FACE AND DIE!"
"Hey, that's my line."



"Can you see this? Can you?"
"OW! Damn it, I've got something in my eye. And it's long and pointy."
"Now, now, don't cry. Not when you can fall down instead."



"Well, that was embarrassing. And now I'm blind too."
"That's what you get for playing with your weenie. Lie down and contemplate that for a while."
"I will, don't you worry."



"Oh, Christ! The fourth guy I'm meeting, and I'm already tired of them. You're... you're all the same."
"H-hey, that's just heartless."
"Heartless? Can do, good buddy."



"A-a-ack, I... I..." *ded*
"See? Nothing to it.



"Ooh. Papa's got a brand new bag. Now to find something to put in it."



"What the... What kind of logic is at play where it's alright to balance keys on top of wooden poles. Well, never mind, I'll just take it."



"Here's somebody already lying down. Well, that saves me a whole lot of trouble."



"Nice belt, buddy. You got something stashed away in it for me?"
"HAAAY, DONTCHA BE TOUCH... *hic* ...TOUCHIN' MA JUNK!"
"Oh, I'll touch your junk whenever I want to. And I'll be taking your chucks, Chuck."
"YU... *hic* ...YOU CAD!"



"And my weapon collection grows. This... 'chuck' thing is a little... limp, though."



"ATTAAAAACK!"
"Well, looks like I already have the chance to test out this dangly little thing. Sir, would you mind it if I whacked you in the nuts with it?"



"...or you could just run into it. That works too."
"Ughhh... that... *gasp* ...that was really below the belt."
"And here's something else that comes from below the belt."
"Why... why are you unzipping your ninja pants? What.. what are you going to do?"



"I am going to make an offering, that's what."
"Oh, you wouldn't! You... you fiend."
"Please accept generously."



"I got nothing left for you. Sorry."
"That's quite alright. Carry on."



"Whew! After that expenditure, I barely have any internal fortitude left. I wonder if I can take this enemy."
"DIIIIIIEEEEE!"



"SUPER DUPER ULTRA KIIIIIICK!"
"What are you? A Sentai Ranger or something?"
"No, I'm a ninja. Can't you see that?"
"No! And I'm not SUPPOSED to see a ninja. You're all about the stealth and the covert operations. What kind of a clown are you anyway?"
"H-heeey. That's just cold, man."



"In fact, I'm dead, and it's all your fault."
"That was the general idea, yes."



"And now I'm alive again, and making YOU dead."
"Heeeey, that's cheating. We all just have one life after aaaaaaall..." *ded*



"Oh, bugger, not this again."



"I can't swiiiiim." *glub glub*



"OK, that was not fun. But at least I'm over."



"This place sure looks familiar. Oh no, please don't tell me..."



"D'OH! I could just have gone back instead. Would've saved me from getting my ninja suit wet."



"DOUBLE D'OH! Now I have to jump this mud lake. This is so not fair."



"OK, so far so good. Maybe I can spare myself from the big brown bath."



*whew* "Well, that's a relief... in more ways than one. Really, these guys should expand their sewer system. I do NOT want to do this again."



"Say, have you ever heard the saying 'If you see Buddha on the road, kill him'?"
"It's just a metaphorical expression, not to be taken literally. STOP STARING! And stop fondling your chucks like that. You're creeping me out."



"Another T junction. Swell. And who the hell keeps removing the bodies? This is creeping me out, man."



"Hey, is that..."



"AN APPLE!"
"....."
"Why the hell do I need an apple anyway? Is there some kind of impending doctor stampede coming or something?"



"Ah, good to see that my ninja 'how to get by in the wilderness' lessons are paying off. Why, my master taught me how to get by on things found in the wild... like shuriken. Yes, these things must certainly grow on trees or something. Or they sprout out of the ground like a really bizarre and deadly plant."



"Anyway, I'm getting close to something. I can feel it."



"Like... uh... another grunt? Lovely, I suppose."
"ATTAAAAACK!"
"Yep. I sure could see that one coming a mile away."



"Hah, you fell to my ultimate ninja chuck-to-the-plexus jutsu! Bet you didn't see that one coming, huh?"
"REVENGE!"
"Ow ow ow. Don't scream in other people's ears. That's just rude."



"*OOF* What is it with you grunts and kicking people in the balls?"
"I BUY SELF-DEFENSE BOOK ON SALE! IT SAY PUT FOOT IN GROIN FOR MAXIMUM EFFECT!"
"OK, OK, no need to yell. The pain in my testicles is bad enough."



"Ough! No fair! You use Thag's lesson for free."
"Well, boo hoo. You're the one who started it."



"Are you the gatekeeper?"
"Am I the... what? No, I'm not. Now, excuse me, I'm short on time."
"THEN YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
"Oh yeah? Who's gonna stop me?"



"I get your point. And your flamey, incinerating breath...." *ded*



"You think you can hide from me like that instead of... um, just going around at the back of my cave? Why, that won't defeat me. No, siree."
"Well, that sounds tempting... and easy. Unfortunately, I live by the creedo 'grass is lava', so I'm going to have to do something completely different."



"Eat my smoke bomb, Brown Cave Dragon. You shall not inflict more people with your Brown Dragon Rage ever again."
"Oh God, I'm slipping into unconsciousness, and the last thing I hear is scat jokes. I'm sure THAT isn't going to haunt me for centuries or anything."



"Haha, great success. Sleep well, Brown Dragon, and may you not dangle out of your cave opening for much longer."



"As for me, I'm off to the next stage.. er, I mean... next area in my big, ol' infiltration mission. But before that, I have one thing I need to do."

Yes, indeed, what kind of preparations would Armakuni have to make to prepare himself for the long journey ahead. Weaponry, ninja equipment, mental preparations. The journey ahead would demand all this... and more.




"Oooooh, God, that was a relief, to say the least. My bladder was killing me."


To be continued....
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